hot_tramp: sun and jin from lost kissing (lost-kisssunjin)
she stole it fast & with a multitude of casualties ([personal profile] hot_tramp) wrote2013-04-15 12:15 am
Entry tags:

The least sexy part of sex

Hmmm. Potential challenge on the sexual horizon.

My safer sex policy is something like "If you do unprotected stuff with other people, I don't do unprotected stuff with you." This rule is not an issue with my boyfriends, because neither of them does any stuff with other people. One due to a complete lack of interest in dating anybody else, and the other because of lack of effort and opportunity, I suppose.

Well, that one -- non-cohabitating boyfriend -- has a date this week. Yay! I will probably have some feels about this, because it's really the first time he's gone on a date with somebody, but I expect them to be relatively mild. My big anxiety is, what if he determines that he actually wants monogamy and there's this rad monogamous girl offering him monogamy? But he's got himself clearly labeled as poly on his OKCupid profile, and apparently this date chick is poly, so I don't think that anxiety will get out of control.

However. All feels aside, there is a possible logistical issue. If this date works out and he starts seeing her (or someone else) and starts getting naked with her (or someone else), I fully expect him to go down on her. Based on what I know about him, a dental dam will not be in the picture. She'll probably go down on him, and it's safe to assume latex will not be involved there either. Receiving a bareback BJ has very, very, very little risk; if I recall correctly, going down on ladyparts is also pretty low-risk. But. It's still a bit of risk. And I will have to decide how to handle that.

This is complicated by the fact that he usually cannot maintain an erection with a condom on. This means we rarely have vaginal sex, and we do a lot of oral. If I decide I'm not comfortable with his junk in my mouth, we're down to necking and handjobs. Annoying. His condom problem also means he might be sorely tempted to leap at an offer of unprotected vaginal sex. But that's really bare speculation on my part.

Honestly, my risk tolerance is such that I wouldn't worry about him having unprotected oral with someone else. Cohabitating boyfriend, however, has a lower risk tolerance than I do. I don't know if any of this would wig him out. It seems to me that the risk of Chick #1 passing something to Dude #1 via oral, Dude #1 passing it to Chick #2 via oral or condom'd PIV, and Chick #2 passing it to Dude #2 via condom'd PIV is pretty dang low. To me, it doesn't seem appreciably riskier than the usual network of condom'd PIV. But it's not for me to tell him what level of risk he should accept.

This is the un-fun part of nonmonogamy, I suppose: Reconciling the varying risk tolerances of several people. Any feedback is welcome, but I think I really just needed to write that out.

[personal profile] yallya 2013-04-19 04:21 am (UTC)(link)
>Cohabitating boyfriend will discuss all kinds of stuff with me, but that feels extremely intimate to him, and I don't think he would like getting into emotional and sexual stuff with a friend. I think you've suggested that men tend to get their needs for emotional intimacy met almost exclusively with their romantic partners, not with their friends. He's definitely like that.

I do think it's the custom for men in our culture, or some segments of our culture. I think it's the root of things like PUA anger at women, for example. Men are told they can only get this need met by women who sleep with them, and so sexual/romantic courtships get this whole additional charge. A nonconsensual (on the part of the women who are not dating them) power dynamic, really.

But I don't think it's inherent in men :). In some sub/cultures it's the other way around -- men's deep emotional connections do not include women.

I think it's big thing in geek culture -- which strikes me as odd. Geek guys I know often have very long term, very important relationships with male friends. But they do not talk to them! To me, talking about emotional stuff is how I define a friend vs. an acquaintance, so my mind boggles.

>Non-cohabitating boyfriend is not emotionally forthcoming with anyone, even with me. It's an ongoing struggle for me to accept this. I broke up with him over it once, and have considered leaving again a time or two since we got back together. He is getting better at receiving my emotional stuff, at least, and he has suddenly started talking more about sex with me. To my knowledge, he doesn't discuss sex with his friends.

Well I can sure see why these two would not talk! I am happy to hear that this guy is starting to open up a bit to you :). Being able to listen is a good start :).