Both of my boyfriends are vanilla, and while they know I'm kinky, we generally don't discuss specifics. I think they know the broad strokes thanks to a) stuff I own, b) things I've written on LJ in the past, and c) offhand comments I've made. But I feel weird talking about it with them in any detail because they are, like, the anti-fetishists. You know how dudes are always asking how to get their ladies to be wild in bed, and they'll say "Honey, tell me your fantasies," and supposedly the ladies reply "I don't really have any"? That's them. They like sex because it feels nice and because it's loving and intimate. Rose petals and eye contact and shit. And I'm over here going "Right, but could you maybe objectify me a little?"
This was a non-issue for several years because my sex drive was nil thanks to depression and then Zoloft. If I could muster up enough libido to fuck, I wasn't interested in bells and whistles. For about the last year, though, I've consistently been interested in sex. And then I spent three months dating a guy I was ridiculously sexually compatible with -- bi, kinky, switchy, horny, talented, etc. That ended, I was completely emotionally ruined for a while, and I've only just opened up shop again, so to speak. And I'm discovering that 100% vanilla is not really cutting it anymore.
I spent the weekend with my medium-distance boyfriend, whom I see pretty much every other weekend since he lives about 100 miles away. We went to karaoke. I got tipsy. We were being very smoochy and gropey and flirty in our booth. After hemming and hawing for a while, I worked up the courage to tell him something I wanted him to do in bed. For all the game I talk about communication, this was actually quite scary for me. I was afraid he would laugh uncomfortably and pretend I never said anything, or go along with it even if it seemed weird and didn't feel right. It's pretty fucking tame, but I'm good at psyching myself out. It took two tall drinks for me to chill out enough to actually say "You know how I like it when you pull my hair? I also like a hand on my throat. Like, a lot."
And then we went home and had sex, and he totally choked me a little, and it was awesome. \o/
Trying to negotiate kink with vanilla men is interesting. I don't know if other switchy women have had this experience, but it seems like it's much easier to get a straight vanilla guy to do some light topping/domming than to do any kind of bottoming/subbing. Blah blah blah patriarchy. Fortunately I'm about 75% bottom/sub, so this works out acceptably. As much as I would love to tie them up and peg the hell out of them, I can live with this. (To their credit, they are both at least consistent -- they have no desire to give or receive any butt stuff.)