Transmission and a Live Wire

Hmmm. Potential challenge on the sexual horizon.

My safer sex policy is something like "If you do unprotected stuff with other people, I don't do unprotected stuff with you." This rule is not an issue with my boyfriends, because neither of them does any stuff with other people. One due to a complete lack of interest in dating anybody else, and the other because of lack of effort and opportunity, I suppose.

Well, that one -- non-cohabitating boyfriend -- has a date this week. Yay! I will probably have some feels about this, because it's really the first time he's gone on a date with somebody, but I expect them to be relatively mild. My big anxiety is, what if he determines that he actually wants monogamy and there's this rad monogamous girl offering him monogamy? But he's got himself clearly labeled as poly on his OKCupid profile, and apparently this date chick is poly, so I don't think that anxiety will get out of control.

However. All feels aside, there is a possible logistical issue. If this date works out and he starts seeing her (or someone else) and starts getting naked with her (or someone else), I fully expect him to go down on her. Based on what I know about him, a dental dam will not be in the picture. She'll probably go down on him, and it's safe to assume latex will not be involved there either. Receiving a bareback BJ has very, very, very little risk; if I recall correctly, going down on ladyparts is also pretty low-risk. But. It's still a bit of risk. And I will have to decide how to handle that.

This is complicated by the fact that he usually cannot maintain an erection with a condom on. This means we rarely have vaginal sex, and we do a lot of oral. If I decide I'm not comfortable with his junk in my mouth, we're down to necking and handjobs. Annoying. His condom problem also means he might be sorely tempted to leap at an offer of unprotected vaginal sex. But that's really bare speculation on my part.

Honestly, my risk tolerance is such that I wouldn't worry about him having unprotected oral with someone else. Cohabitating boyfriend, however, has a lower risk tolerance than I do. I don't know if any of this would wig him out. It seems to me that the risk of Chick #1 passing something to Dude #1 via oral, Dude #1 passing it to Chick #2 via oral or condom'd PIV, and Chick #2 passing it to Dude #2 via condom'd PIV is pretty dang low. To me, it doesn't seem appreciably riskier than the usual network of condom'd PIV. But it's not for me to tell him what level of risk he should accept.

This is the un-fun part of nonmonogamy, I suppose: Reconciling the varying risk tolerances of several people. Any feedback is welcome, but I think I really just needed to write that out.

I've been dating this motherfucker for how many years, and now he tells me he wants to spank me, tie me up, gag me, etc.?

Apparently I opened the floodgates when I made my kink request a few weeks ago. I'm not one to look a gift horse in the mouth, but what the fuck, he's just been sitting on this?!

Both of my boyfriends are vanilla, and while they know I'm kinky, we generally don't discuss specifics. I think they know the broad strokes thanks to a) stuff I own, b) things I've written on LJ in the past, and c) offhand comments I've made. But I feel weird talking about it with them in any detail because they are, like, the anti-fetishists. You know how dudes are always asking how to get their ladies to be wild in bed, and they'll say "Honey, tell me your fantasies," and supposedly the ladies reply "I don't really have any"? That's them. They like sex because it feels nice and because it's loving and intimate. Rose petals and eye contact and shit. And I'm over here going "Right, but could you maybe objectify me a little?"

This was a non-issue for several years because my sex drive was nil thanks to depression and then Zoloft. If I could muster up enough libido to fuck, I wasn't interested in bells and whistles. For about the last year, though, I've consistently been interested in sex. And then I spent three months dating a guy I was ridiculously sexually compatible with -- bi, kinky, switchy, horny, talented, etc. That ended, I was completely emotionally ruined for a while, and I've only just opened up shop again, so to speak. And I'm discovering that 100% vanilla is not really cutting it anymore.

I spent the weekend with my medium-distance boyfriend, whom I see pretty much every other weekend since he lives about 100 miles away. We went to karaoke. I got tipsy. We were being very smoochy and gropey and flirty in our booth. After hemming and hawing for a while, I worked up the courage to tell him something I wanted him to do in bed. For all the game I talk about communication, this was actually quite scary for me. I was afraid he would laugh uncomfortably and pretend I never said anything, or go along with it even if it seemed weird and didn't feel right. It's pretty fucking tame, but I'm good at psyching myself out. It took two tall drinks for me to chill out enough to actually say "You know how I like it when you pull my hair? I also like a hand on my throat. Like, a lot."

And then we went home and had sex, and he totally choked me a little, and it was awesome. \o/

Trying to negotiate kink with vanilla men is interesting. I don't know if other switchy women have had this experience, but it seems like it's much easier to get a straight vanilla guy to do some light topping/domming than to do any kind of bottoming/subbing. Blah blah blah patriarchy. Fortunately I'm about 75% bottom/sub, so this works out acceptably. As much as I would love to tie them up and peg the hell out of them, I can live with this. (To their credit, they are both at least consistent -- they have no desire to give or receive any butt stuff.)

Right now, there's a throwdown on FetLife (a popular kinky social network) over content restrictions. It reminds me a bit of the old LJ battles -- except it looks like FL is going to end up with rules that are more restrictive than LJ's. Or at least, LJ's post-strikethrough rules. If they've tightened up over the last couple years, I wouldn't have noticed.

The credit card processing companies have been putting the squeeze on sex-related websites, telling them they will no longer do business with them unless they crack down on certain types of content. When this content is discussions about grooming children for sexual abuse, this crackdown is awesome. FL was taking a very lax position on such content, allowing communities about trufax non-fantasy molestation to continue. So, you know, fuck that, and yay for someone getting FL to shut that shit down.

The credit card companies are also insisting that FL disallow other "obscene" content. Remember that "obscene," in the U.S., means more than "pornographic." They are specifically calling out scat, bestiality, and incest (even among adults). And they're apparently asking that fictional content about these topics be forbidden, too.

This worries me. The AO3 doesn't have any such content restrictions. Does that mean the OTW is in danger of getting squeezed like this? I just wrote a moderately graphic teen sibling incest fic for Yuletide. (Based, mind you, on canon teen sibling incest from a 17th century play.) Is the OTW eventually going to be pressured to delete fics like that or lose the ability to take money from people through anything but BitCoin?