Transmission and a Live Wire

Hmmm. Potential challenge on the sexual horizon.

My safer sex policy is something like "If you do unprotected stuff with other people, I don't do unprotected stuff with you." This rule is not an issue with my boyfriends, because neither of them does any stuff with other people. One due to a complete lack of interest in dating anybody else, and the other because of lack of effort and opportunity, I suppose.

Well, that one -- non-cohabitating boyfriend -- has a date this week. Yay! I will probably have some feels about this, because it's really the first time he's gone on a date with somebody, but I expect them to be relatively mild. My big anxiety is, what if he determines that he actually wants monogamy and there's this rad monogamous girl offering him monogamy? But he's got himself clearly labeled as poly on his OKCupid profile, and apparently this date chick is poly, so I don't think that anxiety will get out of control.

However. All feels aside, there is a possible logistical issue. If this date works out and he starts seeing her (or someone else) and starts getting naked with her (or someone else), I fully expect him to go down on her. Based on what I know about him, a dental dam will not be in the picture. She'll probably go down on him, and it's safe to assume latex will not be involved there either. Receiving a bareback BJ has very, very, very little risk; if I recall correctly, going down on ladyparts is also pretty low-risk. But. It's still a bit of risk. And I will have to decide how to handle that.

This is complicated by the fact that he usually cannot maintain an erection with a condom on. This means we rarely have vaginal sex, and we do a lot of oral. If I decide I'm not comfortable with his junk in my mouth, we're down to necking and handjobs. Annoying. His condom problem also means he might be sorely tempted to leap at an offer of unprotected vaginal sex. But that's really bare speculation on my part.

Honestly, my risk tolerance is such that I wouldn't worry about him having unprotected oral with someone else. Cohabitating boyfriend, however, has a lower risk tolerance than I do. I don't know if any of this would wig him out. It seems to me that the risk of Chick #1 passing something to Dude #1 via oral, Dude #1 passing it to Chick #2 via oral or condom'd PIV, and Chick #2 passing it to Dude #2 via condom'd PIV is pretty dang low. To me, it doesn't seem appreciably riskier than the usual network of condom'd PIV. But it's not for me to tell him what level of risk he should accept.

This is the un-fun part of nonmonogamy, I suppose: Reconciling the varying risk tolerances of several people. Any feedback is welcome, but I think I really just needed to write that out.

I'm clipping Blade Runner right now, and I find myself thinking "God, I love that shot" about every three minutes. Such a gorgeous movie.

Also, I need Rachael's coats.





I have bangs like hers right now, but I'm not sure how to do the rest of her hairdo.

The boything made me very proud when we watched this together. During the "seduction" scene, he sat quietly for a minute and then said, "Man, the number of things that are wrong with this scene. Wow." Anti-rape-culture boys are the best.

Randomly, LinkedIn sent me an email today full of local job listings, and it actually included a job I am qualified for and might even like. I am employed at the moment, but we're trying to relocate 20-30 miles south, and that commute would not work. This company is about five miles north of the neighborhood we have our eye on, and you can take surface streets from point A to point B instead of slogging through freeway traffic. We wants it, precious.

So I applied. I had to redo my resume, but it was surprisingly fun. I tend to remember my failures more intensely than my successes, but damn it, I've done some good shit. I migrated a company's (small) website from a static HTML brochureware site to a CMS, and added a bunch of rad content. I brought a neglected AdWords campaign back from the dead and monitored ROI like a madwoman. I wrote informative, clear blog posts and product copy. Tonight, I feel like I don't suck.

I kind of hate applying for writing jobs, though, because I feel I must exercise CONSTANT. VIGILANCE. lest a typo or homophone get through. (Embarrassingly, I have been typing "then" instead of "than" lately, not because I forgot which is which, but apparently because my brain cannot think at 85 wpm, which is how fast my fingers are moving.) I also obsess over cover letters when I apply for a writing job. My cover letter is my audition. Particularly when one is applying to write sales copy. Copywriter, sell thyself. I got cute with it and listed out my "features and benefits." I basically swung my dick around for the entire thing, bragging like god's gift, and managing to do so without lying at all! Turning off the humility and turning on the grandiosity is a good exercise.

Anyway, if they don't call me, no big. I have a job. I can look for a more different job at a leisurely pace. This is the first time that's happened in ... just about exactly five years, I think. It feels good.

I've been dating this motherfucker for how many years, and now he tells me he wants to spank me, tie me up, gag me, etc.?

Apparently I opened the floodgates when I made my kink request a few weeks ago. I'm not one to look a gift horse in the mouth, but what the fuck, he's just been sitting on this?!

The robot-themed vid project has led me to finally learn some audio editing as well. I am working on what may become a serviceable mashup! Try as I might, I could NOT find an electronica/electro/EBMish song with a female vocalist that would work for this damn vid. I found lyrics from a few songs I liked, and nice instrumental bits from a few other songs, and decided FUCK IT I'll make my own damn song. Of course the songs I want don't have studio acapellas floating around so I had to find or make DIY acapellas. Which are a bit dodgy, to say the least. I may be able to patch it all together with scotch tape and paper clips.

The project also led me to spend an evening watching Small Wonder, that truly awful television show from the eighties. Just so, so bad. Not quite as bad as Dr. Goldfoot and the Girl Bombs, though. The things we do for art.

Is it me, or is this just as obnoxious as unsolicited dick pics and copy-pasted porn?

"I have an odd request for you. I'm in a D/s relationship and my Daddy has given me an assignment. I have to get five women to look at a picture of me in the lingerie Daddy bought me. I also have to get punishment suggestions from you. This is a public humiliation assignment, so it's really hard for me to do this. I hope you reply."

This was on OKCupid, mind you, not FetLife. I'm tempted to reply with some helpful hints about, I dunno, not using random strangers in your humiliation play, but I also kind of feel like I'm being a prig. What say you, interweb?

Well, this week sucked. I had one of those days when I paused, looked around, and said "Oh, right, I'm actually really goddamn depressed." Cried for several hours straight. Had insomnia, and ended up calling in sick to work for two days even though I do not have the sick time so I'm just out that pay. And now feel anxious, guilty, and self-loathing. It's the ciiiiiirrrrcle of faaaaaaiiiil.

I talked to my mother, which was helpful. It made me realize I am actually holding onto a lot of anger at her. My family left my city at Christmas and moved to another state. I didn't feel angry about it at first, but as the months go by and I realize I'm going to see them two or three times a year instead of twice a month, the resentment is growing. I do not plan on discussing this with her. She felt crazy guilty about the move and I don't need to stir that up again. I can work on letting it go on my own.

On the plus side, my mom's wisdom vis a vis self-destructive misery proved helpful once again. I don't know if this is a 12-step concept or something from her old therapist or what, but she talks about "energy" -- not in a woo way, but suggesting that some people and activities drain our energy and others bolster it. "Energy-in" vs. "energy-out." She encouraged me to reflect on what energy-in things I'm doing, and if there aren't many, I should make a list and resolve to do those things more often. My list so far:

Writing fiction
Writing non-fiction, esp. when it involves explaining something
Learning new things
Snuggling with animals
Snuggling with boyfriends
Going to the beach or the woods
Spending time with friends
Dancing
Cooking & baking

I have been doing some of these things, but I think I identified the problem: I'm doing them at work, when I'm supposed to be working. I feel so anxious and guilty about that, I don't get the energy; or if I get it, it's immediately eaten up by the bad feelings about being a slacker, a dumbass who can't focus, a perpetual failure who's bound to get fired again, etc. Maybe that realization -- that I'm actually draining myself even more when I do my energy-in things at the wrong time -- will help me resist the urge to do those things instead of working. Of course, after realizing this, I called in sick for two days and walked around with a lump in my stomach the whole time. So maybe not.

I can't decide if TV, movies, books, and video games should go on the list. Sometimes those things just feel like anesthetic. Like I'm not really enjoying myself, and I'm really just distracting myself from how unhappy I am. Listening to music is not on the list right now. I may have ruined that for myself by using music as a tool to get through my workdays; some of my favorite albums are way too associated with gross work feelings for me to listen to them at home. I'm also not sure about role-playing. I love making characters, but honestly, I sometimes feel stressed during a session because I feel like I suck at describing combat actions in an interesting way. I'm also pretty sure that my friends think my characters are one-dimensional, so that's not fun. We're closing out a long Rifts campaign today. I'm not sure if I'll join in for the next game.

So I guess I need to start seeing my annoying shrink again. I'm not looking forward to that, but it seems preferable to starting over with a new one.

In happy news, the Three-Sentence Ficathon has been amusing me. I like some of the things I wrote for it and have put them on AO3. Yay.

One of the vids I'm working on is about lady robots. (I already found an AMV along similar lines, but I think my idea is different enough that I don't feel like a big ol' copycat.) I'm at the point where I'm planning and clipping and whatnot. My question is this: Should I include cyborgs? Cyborgs and robots are not the same thing, but they can look similar visually, and their story arcs can be quite similar, too, and include similar themes. Lord knows I can fill 3-4 minutes with robots alone, but there are some very cool cyborg ladies to potentially include.

The Fandom_Wank March Madness Deathmatch has been taking me down memory lane. I'm backing MsScribe on account of sheer wank volume, although for craftsmanship, nothing will ever beat Anne Rice's Dickensian principles.

FML, it's been six years since my only noteworthy contribution to fandom.

In related news, I just found my JF password. No good can come of this.

I watched a lot of Battlestar Galactica this weekend, clipping like a madwoman for my maybe-for-Wiscon vid. I had forgotten that the show could easily be subtitled "or How Gaius Baltar Repeatedly Failed at Life and Doomed Humanity." One of his few moments of non-fail -- helping Gina -- was really about him wanting a replacement for Caprica and eventually undermined by his pushy/rapey attitude toward her. Ugh.

Also, plot hole: Why did he give her the nuke, and why did she use it in that way and at that moment?

Postscript: the number of fucks given about Kara/Lee remains infinitesimal.